Hot. Cold. Hot. Cold or The One I Didn't Want To Write.

To date, I have been open and honest about what to expect during your forties. I have expressed no hesitation about the anger, forgetfulness, sex, graying of pubic hair, loss of time - the highlights of this decade. All in (in what I like to believe) are funny and poignant ways. But this is the column I didn't want to write.

The Pause.

Yeah. I wrote it out loud. Perio-menopause, menopause, trust me it is all the damn same. It really should be renamed, 'If you thought your menstrual cycle was a hideous never-ending life experience just wait until you get a load of me' pause. 

And boy oh boy... it's a doozy. This phase will make you absolutely crazy if nothing else has done so so far. Your body will cease to be a wonderland and will become a Tim Burton amusement park. Even if you like horror, you won't enjoy this. 

First, throw out every single 100% wool wool blended winter whatever that you own. Keep only the cashmere for those are the only items that will be able to accommodate your erratic temperature mood swings. You will go from fanning yourself on the porch, in your birthday suit, rocking and bemoaning the temperature with a frosty drink by your side to cranking up the thermostat to the highest affordable number while walking around in a cashmere sweatsuit fur lined booties and a skully cap in your own home. Poor neighbors. Poor significant other. Good times all around. 

Second, your handbags will all become roll on suitcases. The more room to accommodate everything you will soon be carrying: seasonal jacket, summer sweater, cashmere sweater, long sleeve shirt, short sleeve tee shirt, tank top, cashmere scarf, gloves, hat, flip flops, fur lined ankle boots, hair ties, hair bands (for the sweat), the kitchen sink (well, you have everything else?) and hankies. For the tears of frustration. And that's only for one day. 

Third, you are going to save a shit load of money when you shop, for seasons have ceased to exist for you. No Fall/Winter ; just Confused/Still Confusing based on your daily here & now needs. My career uniform consists of a tank top with a blazer. Add a scarf for winter. Carry a hankie for summer. You will save on closet hangers thereby having more room for shoes. See? Silver lining. 

Fourth, no more all day appointments in the beauty salon. Every wonder why every older woman you see has short hair? You won't anymore. Since it will become a guaranteed damp sweat filled nest, cut. if. off. And if your significant other likes long hair, get a weave or a wig. Better yet, get them a weave or a wig and have them sit in a heated sauna, fully dressed all day long. That will put an end to that conversation. See? Silver lining.

The Pause signifies the end to all of the previous bullshit associated with being a babe, a girl, a chick.  It represents your status as a fiercely real Woman and that is something to be chest puffed out proud of. In spite of the constant presence of upper lip sweat. 

xoxo,

Fabulously Forty(ish)