It seemed as if I couldn't stand to be by myself. Big lights big city noises party parade celebration house party dinner with twenty or more rock concerts outdoor music movie films in surround sound cable T.V. stereo what's on the radio.
I couldn't wouldn't think for hearing. Silence was truly golden. And unwanted. Had to be in the thick the midst of all things. Adapting the beats to the pace of my life, stronger, faster, louder.
Days pass. Months pass. Years pass. Decades pass. Time folds noise into sound into dimness into comfortable stillness. It's not just the physical it's the internal as well - the soul the mind the heart the head. Not fresh faced anymore full of boiling churning emotions feelings everything either one hundred percent or nothing, happen now or never with foot stomping intense impatience.
Now the ability to actually hear myself think is a nice miracle in real time. To arrive at conclusions without feeling like I was in a drunken stupor while doing so. Waking up comforted in the decisions that were made the evening the day the week before. The absence of a question mark and the insertion of a period makes all the difference.
Not attending nor being counted nor part of the fray. Silencing out without benefit of headphones earbuds Kindle Nook or actual book. Being alone without being lonely every and any where. Getting in touch my with myself without touching myself.
I found I'm not too shabby company, either. Full of musings imaginings philosophies comedic rhetoric sprinkled with liberal passions and sometimes misguided semi-concretely held beliefs. I am finally my own best company. My own best counsel. My own best friend.
xo,
Fabulously Fourty(ish)
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